Do I Know Him?

Its been a long time since I posted on here but it is never too late to start again so here goes nothing. I have been asking myself a question lately…

Who is God?

That is a question that is super easy to answer for me when I am having a good day. He is the one who made the sun shine and the birds sing. He is the one who puts the air in my lungs and who is so good to me. He is the one who makes my life easy and grand and beautiful.

Knowing that God is good and that is who he is is really easy when life is going great.

But who is God when I am not having a good day?

That is a lot harder.

Lately I have had a lot of mixed days. I am not going to get into too much detail but life has been anything but easy for me emotionally, financially, and spiritually and I have had so many “why God?” moments. I have struggled, prayed, and cried a lot lately… there are tear spots on my piano as I write this left from yesterday that I need to clean off (Mascara shows on white keys…and is a pain to get off).

Now I do not tell you this to say “aww poor Lex, she is really struggling. Let’s pray for her”. No, I tell you this to say that I asked myself the question over and over “Who is God?” and I still have an answer.

My God is my strength when I have no more to give.

My God is my anchor when the waves are blowing me around.

My God is the whisper at the end of the hard day that it is okay to cry and break because he will hold me together.

My God is the God who gives me peace under all the chaos of the storm so I smile even when I have no idea how I will make it on my own…actually, my God is the one who says I never have to make it on my own.

My God is good at his very nature and in the storm I am tested on if I trust Him or not and the answer is yes whole heartedly.

This storm is different than ones in the past. I used to freak out and fear the future. I used to worry so much I would get sick…but not this time. Yes, I cry when I get overwhelmed…but there is a rock solid foundation of peace that I am standing on. I know who I serve and have seen his very nature from the deserts and plains of Kenya, to the middle of Cambodia’s slums, to the Target down the street. I see that God is good, ALL the time, for that is his nature.

I know my shepherds voice...or pilot...or whatever it is you want to relate to God. 

I share this not to get prayers…though I never turn down prayer…but instead to say that if you are going through a hard season, turn your eyes to Him and to His Word to learn who He is and who holds you. He is FOR YOU. He will NEVER forsake you. He is stronger than anything you come against and He provides better than you can provide for yourself or anyone else can provide for you. 

So trust your pilot today…and if you don’t know who your pilot is, message me and I can tell you about mine. I am always happy to share.

When You Need Some More Joy

I feel God calling me to something today, something that scares me because it will be a lot of work. He is calling me to joy.

Now when I say it will be a lot of work, I do not mean that joy is hard for me.Honestly I am a naturally joyful person most of the time. I am sarcastic but joyful most of the time. But lately, I have been swept into a world of adulthood that no one in their early twenties is mentally prepared for even if they think they will be. I am learning that happiness is based on circumstances, joy is not. 

 I am the person who stands in fields with arms stretched wide to take it all in and thank God for making this world for me to live in. But I am also the person that cries over hitting a squirrel with my car. I am joyful until I am not (Can I get a witness?)

God has been speaking to me about enjoying the process of life and finding joy in the every day mundane. Some days it is so much easier than others. Sometimes I am getting to help lead people in worship, and for me that is my happy place(man I have changed a lot since I started when I was 14…), but other days I am waiting on people to answer emails and navigating this life as a college graduate who is trying to discover God’s next step for my life.

I think we all have both of those moments in life. Whether a mother who is trying to raise kids and feels sometimes like they are kicking this parenting thing’s butt and then the next day it feels like they are failing at it, or someone in the business world who is climbing the ladder and some days you are on top of the world and others you are at the bottom of the food chain again(even if it is only in your mind).

How do we find joy in the days that we are in the valley? How do we continue to trust that God is in the process when we can’t even see how we will get to the next step because we are too weak to move or we just do not feel that joy about what God is doing anymore?

Well these verses came to mind:

“The Lord is my strength and shield. I trust him with all my heart. He helps me, and my heart is filled with joy. I burst out in songs of thanksgiving.” Psalm 28:7

“Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces.” Psalm 34:5

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” Romans 15:13

“Dear brothers and sisters, when troubles come your way, consider it an opportunity for great joy. For you know that when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be perfect and complete, needing nothing.” James 1:2-4

“Our hearts ache, but we always have joy. We are poor, but we give spiritual riches to others. We own nothing, and yet we have everything.” 2 Corinthians 6:10

Yeah that was a lot. I have a Bible degree, what do you expect?

When we look up at God in the valley, we see him right there with us holding us up.

Sometimes valley moments can last a long time, others may only last for a minute. When they come, we need to shift our perspective and look up at God and notice that we are all in a process and that process was not meant to steal our joy or our peace.

“And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith. Because of the joy awaiting him, he endured the cross, disregarding its shame. Now he is seated in the place of honor beside God’s throne. Think of all the hostility he endured from sinful people; then you won’t become weary and give up.” Hebrews 12:1-2

Trust him with your heart today. Find joy in the mundane. Let it go and just let it all happen. Your heart will thank you for it.

Where Have I Been Lately?

Hello everyone, my name is Lexie. Some call me Alexis, mainly my Oma and Dad, most call me Lex, but no matter the name-Hello.

I have been missing lately. Not in the normal sense but I have been missing a lot of things in life.

Mainly, joy and peace.

"Why?" you might ask... Two words. Car Accident.

This is probably not where you thought I was going to go with this.

It may not seem like that big of a deal to some, but to me it completely shook me and took me to a breaking point that I had never been to before. Now I could be totally frustrated and broken about it, but I am actually thankful for it.

Why?

Because I had to finally be real with myself and God about a lot of things.

I had to learn, yet again, that God can handle all of my emotions and I do not always have to be shiny for him to love me. I had to learn that his perfect love casts out fear, especially when everything made me scared afterwards. Driving especially.
I had to learn that God can sustain me through awful headaches, an internal concussion (oddly enough its a thing), a dislocated knee/knee cap, pain all over my body constantly for the last four months, and through losing a car that had been a tangible vessel for God to bring me to places that He had called me.
I had to deal with the fact that even though the power steering went out and it was not my fault, that I caused pain to those around me both emotionally and physically (I don't even hunt, like I try not to even kill bugs outside in case they have a family...yeah I'm that person and the idea of hurting anyone still haunts me at times).
 I had to realize that God protected all seven people involved (only two cars...) , including my younger brother and sister, so that the most that happened was my few minor injuries and a few scratches on the other people involved.



I had to realize that even in the dark, God was protecting me and those around me because he was protecting his daughter, even though I felt unlovable.

Now this all may not seem like that big of a deal, but that's okay because it is my blog and I am allowed to say that it was a big deal to me. You can stop reading if you want, but I love you regardless.

I was shaken and I think that is what hurt me the most of all.

You see, I used to pride myself on being strong and being unshakeable. I used to never want to show my hurt. God forbid I cry in front of someone, or cry more than twice a year. I was to always be strong and show joy, even if I was breaking apart inside. Never let anyone see you sweat because then you will be a bad minister and people will not open up to you anymore.

I had it all wrong, and it took this speed bump (sadly it was more like a complete loss to the insurance company but moving on..) to show me that God is bigger than my need to have it together. It was okay to cry because God could comfort me better than anyone. God never expected me to have it all together. If I did, I would not need him. His calling on my life was not because I had it all together, it is because I don't and I need him constantly.

It has taken me four months and 16 days to be able to write about this, but that is because I have been working on myself a lot.

The word God gave me for this year was fearless, so I could not understand in the moment why he caused me to have a major accident and why he as to shatter my perfect driving record (for a recovering perfectionist this is still hard). I did not understand why the God that was my beloved and who I followed to the point of studying pastoral ministry and theology in college would do this to me. If I was supposed to be fearless, would that not mean that God would protect me so I would have nothing to fear?

I had it all wrong.

God never said "Your word is fearless for this year so I am not going to send anything that makes you fearful". No. He just gave me the word fearless and I would have to learn the meaning this year.
Well. I haven't fully learned it yet, but I did learn that being fearless in Christ is not the absence of trouble or turmoil, it is the courage to take another step even when you are shaking because you know that if God was there before and is there in this present moment, then he is waiting for you in the next step as well.

God has lavished his love upon me in these past four months, and some of the times I pushed Him away. Not because I did not love Him anymore or was questioning my faith, but because I felt too broken for him to love anymore. I did not want to accept it. But there he was, holding the pieces together and telling me he loved every part of me.

He blessed me with a car, one that is better than my wildest dreams and He just blessed me with it. I am a terrible receiver and I never know what to say, but He used people to bring about His love and those people have become so dear to my heart. Not because they blessed me with a car, but because I know that they are family that God intended for me to find. I cherish them and their obedience to God. I am just honored to know them.

He blessed me with the best puppy. For those who know me, they knew this was coming. Man, I love my dog. Not just because he is cute (though he is), but because especially in this season I needed something that would just love me unconditionally. Dogs are so good at that. Every morning he wakes up and looks at me like I am the best thing ever (& God forbid he can't find me, he just keeps searching and knocks down everything in his path until he find me). I kind of think that is a small taste of how God sees us.

This accident kept me close to my family and to home, it brought me back to my home church and in that I found friendships that are so deep, mentors, and community that is close by. I have since started being in a life group, being a youth leader, and  leading worship at times there. In those moments, I remember my calling from the Lord so strongly and know I am exactly where I am supposed to be (I know, I know. I am a musician by design so sorry for being cheesy. I can't help it).

I graduated college with honors (only by God's grace) with my Pastoral Ministry Degree. I get to walk in December, if I choose to, and that season ending was wonderful and bittersweet all at the same time. I started work at an amazing job where I get to apply my love of ministry and Kenya in one place. I am going to Kenya again in five short weeks. I was supposed to go in June, but I felt like God was saying not this time. Well, if I had planned to go, my accident was right before the team left. I am so thankful for missed opportunities and that it was just a "not yet" because I cannot wait to go and see my friends in Kenya. There is still nothing more beautiful than Kenya in my opinion and the people there. I am still head over heels for it.

I have been missing. But I feel like I am coming back home.

Thanks to amazing community around me, I have received more grace and love than I deserve. I have felt more free because God always knows exactly what I need when I need it. I have seen miracles happen and chains unlock. Most of the chains that I did not know were there. I am still not totally pain free, but I am alive and able to feel and after that accident I should not be. I have been protected and granted favor that I do not deserve.

Most importantly, thanks to an amazing God I have learned from this accident how to better love and serve my King. My Beloved. My Creator.

I have found my home again, and my home and stability are in Christ. In Him and in trusting Him I will not be shaken. In Him, I am fearless in the chaos and have peace in the midst of changing tides.

To some, this accident is ancient history. To me, it is a part of His story for me and I can honestly say that God's ways are higher than mine. For that, I am humbled and eternally grateful...even for a car accident.

Twenty-something and Fighting a Stereotype

Millennialist are greedy, selfish, and entitled. That's what I hear all the time. That we don't work, have no work ethic, and expect all to be handed to us. That we all are too focused on social media to properly view the world and if we aren't focused on social media, we are insecure and need many significant others to gain approval. 

That's what we hear and that is true for some but not all. There's a whole group of us who try to fight that stereotype. We see social media as a tool to network and discover the parts of the world we can't afford to go to because we have student loans for the degrees we worked our butts off getting. We respect those in authority over us because we know we would not be where we are without those who paved the way for us. We go to church, we serve at the church, and we join life groups. We have real, in person community, as well as community in social media because we know both types are beneficial. We fight stereotypes that have been placed on us that say we are a lost generation because we see those in our generation causing trouble but know that we don't have to give into the low expectations anyone places on us because we have high expectations for ourselves. 

We are hard on ourselves and try to be gentle on others because we know the battle everyone is facing in life is hard and that there are mountains and valleys and that is okay. We have role models like Mother Teresa, Jesus, MLK Jr., and other world changing and culture changing individuals. We live within our means and give to those less fortunate. We go on trips to bring clean water and food or serve in our local community because we know that if we are blessed, it is only because of God so we need to bless those who need a hand up. We stand with those who are hurting and lend them a hand. We have many causes and fight for what we believe in. We workout some days and eat donuts the next, we know that someday we will have wished we are more vegetables today. We study politics to make informed decisions and care about the environment that we were given to steward. 
We can have significant others, or not and that is okay because we know our lives are not defined by our relationship status but by who we are in Christ first and that either way we are walking in the plan God has for us at this time. Some have babies, some have dogs or cats, some neither, but we celebrate each stage each one of us has as if it is our own and use social media to share the highs and lows. We pray for those who struggle and rejoice with those who rejoice. 
We are not a lost generation, because we choose to be different and challenge the stereotypes in front of us. At least we try to. 
I don't say all of this for me, I say it because it's been on my mind and heart to say. We so not have to be what the world says we are, because each generation had select people say the youths were too young and were screwing things up. And just as then, in some cases they were right and some they were wrong. We need to not let this be a generation that falls through the cracks, and instead stand up and say I will not let myself be a stereotype. I will stand up and live out my calling as best I can with the help and encouragement of those around me and I will believe in myself. 
So as a twenty something navigating this life, I will mess up and I will fall down but I'll stand back up. I may take a selfie when I get back up and caption it with a bible verse, but what matters is I get back up and keep moving forward loving those who need love and believing that I can and will make a difference for the world, even if it just in my small sphere of influence. We all matter and we all have callings and dreams, we just need to fight the stereotypes and move forward. 

Enough

You are enough. 
What does it mean to be enough? 
In the world it means you have the right clothes, shoes, hair, skin. It means you look right, have the right clothes and act cool. It means you are able to fit in. You succeed in your work. You succeed in your family. People sing of you accomplishments. You are talented, look like you have it all together and can handle anything. You aren't emotional, different, or unique. 
Do you think these things are what define you? 
Or maybe do you think maybe, just maybe, God made you different for a reason? That he sees you as enough. 
You see, on earth as Jesus walked and talked to people he reached the people we would not see as enough. 
The cheats, liars, whores. He taught them, loved them, and dwelled on the earth with them. 
He saw them as enough when the world saw them as lacking.
He knew that his payment on the Cross would be enough to make them enough. 
He knew they were formed by God, for God. 
He knew we were made by God and loved by God, and that was enough of a reason for Him to be nailed to a Cross to die a brutal death. All for them, for you, for me. 
As Easter comes quickly, and I hear a lot of my precious friends question their worth, I found my heart crying these words to God in my prayers "They are enough!" and it made me realize I am enough. It is not because of anything I have done, but is all because of everything Jesus did. 
I am enough because of Grace. I am enough because Jesus would've died just to save me. 
We are enough. So let's start living like it. We are to walk in freedom as adopted children of the Most High GOD! 
I don't know about you, but I think if Jesus can say I am enough, then I can try to believe it. 

Fearless...

Fearless. This is my word for the year which sounds so great in theory. You pray for a word that will define your year and then you follow God and try to accomplish a deeper understanding of the word and then maybe you change to grow in that thing. At least you hope you do. 

So I prayed and I was expecting something like grace or love or something that I could understand needing and was gentle in my opinion. 

But no. I got fearless.  

Jesus went right for the throat on this one. 

Fearless. Free of Fear, Full of Peace, Trusting in God. No. Matter. What. 

Dauntless. 

Pushing away fear and moving forward regardless. 

I literally asked for a redo. But no. Fearless. 

That's when it hit me. I'm a fearful person. 

Those who are around me may not realize that. I'm almost always up for a spontaneous adventure. I'll try almost any food once. I hate scary movies, but that's not a good judging point. I just think they're freaky. 

Okay back on topic, I'm not typically thought of as afraid. At least until God called me out on what has been stirring in my heart. 

Anxiety is fear. 

Panic is fear. 

Lack of trust can be fear. 

Okay so God read my mail. 

He started pointing my heart to verses that spoke on fear and I was so afraid of being convicted in this. I was afraid. Keyword. I did not want to deal with this or end up hating who I am. But a strange thing happened. 

The verses didn't make me hate myself. They made me feel empowered. Novel thought huh? ;P

I felt led to speak these verses over myself this year. 

And you know what happened? 

I felt peace for the first time in a long time. And I'm not just saying "I slept really peacefully last night" peace. I felt peace in the midst of a storm. 

I noticed how much my mind goes straight to fear. How instead of normal reactions I run straight to the worst case scenario. I found insecurity that I ignored. 

Now it's only a month into this and it's been so so hard, but God said to tell people about it too on top of letting him prune away those branches. 

I texted someone to pray over me in this area. Hardest and most humbling message I have sent in a while. I'm supposed to have it all together. But now this person knows I struggle. What would they think? 

They responded with love. With encouragement and with covering me in prayer. 

A little bit of that fear of not being accepted for my faults died with that response. With that act of obedience. 

I told my best friends from college when I was visiting Missouri. I was supposed to be a put together future pastor, surely they would look at me different for struggling to trust God. 

Much to my surprise, my honesty opened up a conversation about what they struggle with. We prayed together. We had another reason to lean on each other and grow in community. We strengthened each other. 

Fearless. 

I'm only a month in. But with God, especially in this season of transition and change I am going into, I will learn to be strong and courageous even when life is hard. I will grow into who God is shaping me to be. I know next year there will be another word, but for now I am focusing on this one really hard word. I'll keep y'all updated. 

I share this to encourage you to pray for your word. To step out in faith and strive for the best version of yourself for this year and this season you are in.  It will be hard, even a month in I have broken down more than I normally do in a year, but what if the breakthrough that is on its way now and the freedom is exactly what God will use later? What if this is what has to happen for God to bring about exactly what He desires for me?

I think it's well worth it. God is always worth it. 

So. Today I strive to learn to be fearless. Even if I'm shaking because God is steady enough for us all. 

2015.

2015. A year of so many joys, so many heartaches, and so many adventures. 

I had a dream to go to Africa for several years, then after having a very real dream one night I called my mom and said, "Tell them to count me in." That one sentence completely changed my life. I battled fears and worries and ended up finding a huge piece of my heart in Kenya among the big sky and little children. I cannot wait to go back in 2016. God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I finished my journey of living on campus at Lee, and switched to online school after getting an internship at a church near my hometown. I trusted that God would work it out and he came through more than I ever thought he would. I found a home in that church and have amazing leaders to learn from. God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I went to Gatlinburg with my family, we had a cabin and filled it with laughs and adventures. We decided to go hiking for a mile or two. Seven miles in and my sister in law and I dying a bit, we finally made it back to the car after missing some trail signs. It was awful but a memory that we all laugh about.

We also took a family trip up the East Coast to DC and Massachusetts to see family. It was probably the longest any of us had been in a car for a long time. We saw many museums, landmarks, and walked the freedom trail. We were able to visit my favorite city of Boston and eat some amazing food at Quincy Market. We also got to go see a lot of family, both my mother and father's sides, and had so many laughs and hugs. We said goodbye to my great grandmother and my brother and I got to play and sing "In the Garden" at her memorial service while sitting in a garden. We all bonded over memories and, in typical Sherwood fashion, lots of food and treats after by the lake. 

I looked out upon that lake while fishing and thought of all the summers I spent "up North" and the memories made...and I thought God must've known what he was doing. 

Over the Summer I got to intern with four other girls, some still in High school and another in college, and we all got to bond over copies and VBS. These girls became such sweet friends and even though I had never met them before this internship, I know they'll be there anytime I need them and I hope they know I'm always here for them as well. God must've known what he was doing putting us all there. 

One of my dearest friends from Evangel in Missouri came for a visit on the craziest week of the Summer...VBS week. She has been one of my closest friends and my confidant for a couple years and she just dove right in the crazy. We had such adventures as I showed her my beloved Georgia. We went to Ikea...she had never been, and drove through the country areas. We went to the zoo and I wanted to keep all the animals. We watched way to many movies and ate way too much food, and learned so many motions for kids worship. She's a forever kind of friend.  When God put this friend in my life he knew what he was doing. 

My wonderful God-daughters came for a visit for a week and I got to adventure with them and just enjoy their sweet giggles and smiles. I did not know it was possible to love someone else's kids so much until my amazing cousin had these girls. Their momma was my first friend and we have been partners in Christ since birth, and when I see those girls it reminds me that we have grown up but that it only gets better from here. They have the best and strongest mom, and I cannot wait to see where God takes her in this life. I see her girls smiles and I just delight in getting to have them in my family. They'll be world changers. When God put them in our family and gave them to their mom, he knew what he was doing. 

Another amazing cousin came to visit, she was another one of my first friends and she is so beyond smart. She is chasing her dreams in South Carolina by the ocean where she is studying books and studying sea creatures... Living her dream one day at a time. I was so beyond thankful to have some time with her and just to know that family lives a little bit closer. She is amazing and I cannot wait to see where she goes in life. God is really doing amazing things in and through her. He knows what he's doing.

I grew closer to friends and family since being home. I have found several families that I know God specifically placed in my family's life. The kids in these families have become my spiritual siblings and the adults my friends and examples in life. I have gained friends that I never knew I needed and learned that community is needed. I have found friends I had prayed for so long to meet. I have found that God has given me and I am so thankful. I have met leaders who I learn from all the time and I am honored to serve alongside. God knows what he is doing. 

We lost our sweet dog Jersey, and also my sweet cat Makita. We cried tears and rejoiced on the life they lived. They loved us and we loved them. God knew what he was doing when he gave us animals.

Throughout this year so much has happened, so many adventures and so many problems, but in all of it I have seen the light of God in the background. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. Been pushed past the limits I had placed for myself. I have had a lot of my life changed and I see a lot more changes coming. But in all of this past year I see that God has never stepped away from the controls. 

He is constant. 

He is gracious. 

He knows what he is doing. 

I think that sums up 2015 perfectly. In every laugh and highlight on this list there was probably a couple hundred lows, but that is real life and even in those storms of tears and pain-God is still God. He knows what he is doing and I pray I continue to let him lead. 

-Lex