This was one of the first verses my mom made me memorize fully. I didn't even know why then. She knew it before I did. I was an anxious person from the get go.
I was shy when I was younger. I didn't start shy. I loved my Uncle and Great a grandpa. Then one day I decided older guys scared me randomly for no reason, so when they came I hid behind my parents to protect me. There was no reason for this other than my brain said it was time to hide cuz they were too much.
I hated first and second grade. They had math. Timed math quizzes. I'm not good at math. I would panic in front of everyone and they would know I was scared. They would know I was bad at math. They would think I was stupid.
My friends were great. But there was times that I would assume that I was just too much to handle and that I was so anxious about group settings because what if I messed up somehow? What if I wasn't perfect? How could anyone genuinely love a mess like me? They would say I looked great that day and I would just assume they were being nice because even they must know I'm not good enough?
The first time i had to sing in front of people, I broke down in my dads office and had a full panic attack rocking back in forth in a fetal position. (Seems silly now)
Anxiety and insecurity go hand in hand for me. But I've learned something over the past 21 years. I am not defined by my anxiety. I am defined by God.
My dad, who I look nothing like but who I act just like 99% of the time and who has dealt with anxiety, told me this as I sat on the floor crying and shaking. My mom started speaking that verse over me and praying as I was shy as a child or afraid of my math test. They were right. God never gave me a spirit of fear. But of power. Power to speak the name of Jesus and power to get out of the dark pit of anxiety and stand again on the rock that is higher than I.
Yes I still have it. Yes I have moments where this girl who doesn't cry much just breaks down because life is overwhelming and so much is being asked of me and how can I do it all perfectly. Yes sometimes my day consists of a 30 second panic attack. But unlike before. It doesn't stop me. Because I know a secret.
Worship and prayer.
I've learned something and if you have had any real conversation with me where I'm worried or you are then I've told you. You can't worship and worry at the same time.
I feel my heart beat out of chest and my throat tighten. My head is spinning. The tears are coming. And I sing. Or speak the name of Jesus. Or both. And something happens every time. The thoughts of what God thinks of me flood in and the fear floods out. My heart returns to normal. I can breathe in peace and breathe out praise. I give God the terror and panic and He gives me calm, peace, serenity.
God makes it so I can breathe.
You see, God calls us out of fear to live in his freedom. God calls us child. He calls us to trust and let him take the lead. He calls us to be still and KNOW that he is God.
So when tests get to be anxiety triggers, or I have so much work to do, or I have to do math. I don't let anxiety define me. I let Jesus define me. And his definition of his children is so much more than we could ever define ourselves.
Let him change your anxiety to peace. Be still and Know.
-Lexie
