2015.

2015. A year of so many joys, so many heartaches, and so many adventures. 

I had a dream to go to Africa for several years, then after having a very real dream one night I called my mom and said, "Tell them to count me in." That one sentence completely changed my life. I battled fears and worries and ended up finding a huge piece of my heart in Kenya among the big sky and little children. I cannot wait to go back in 2016. God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I finished my journey of living on campus at Lee, and switched to online school after getting an internship at a church near my hometown. I trusted that God would work it out and he came through more than I ever thought he would. I found a home in that church and have amazing leaders to learn from. God knew exactly what he was doing. 

I went to Gatlinburg with my family, we had a cabin and filled it with laughs and adventures. We decided to go hiking for a mile or two. Seven miles in and my sister in law and I dying a bit, we finally made it back to the car after missing some trail signs. It was awful but a memory that we all laugh about.

We also took a family trip up the East Coast to DC and Massachusetts to see family. It was probably the longest any of us had been in a car for a long time. We saw many museums, landmarks, and walked the freedom trail. We were able to visit my favorite city of Boston and eat some amazing food at Quincy Market. We also got to go see a lot of family, both my mother and father's sides, and had so many laughs and hugs. We said goodbye to my great grandmother and my brother and I got to play and sing "In the Garden" at her memorial service while sitting in a garden. We all bonded over memories and, in typical Sherwood fashion, lots of food and treats after by the lake. 

I looked out upon that lake while fishing and thought of all the summers I spent "up North" and the memories made...and I thought God must've known what he was doing. 

Over the Summer I got to intern with four other girls, some still in High school and another in college, and we all got to bond over copies and VBS. These girls became such sweet friends and even though I had never met them before this internship, I know they'll be there anytime I need them and I hope they know I'm always here for them as well. God must've known what he was doing putting us all there. 

One of my dearest friends from Evangel in Missouri came for a visit on the craziest week of the Summer...VBS week. She has been one of my closest friends and my confidant for a couple years and she just dove right in the crazy. We had such adventures as I showed her my beloved Georgia. We went to Ikea...she had never been, and drove through the country areas. We went to the zoo and I wanted to keep all the animals. We watched way to many movies and ate way too much food, and learned so many motions for kids worship. She's a forever kind of friend.  When God put this friend in my life he knew what he was doing. 

My wonderful God-daughters came for a visit for a week and I got to adventure with them and just enjoy their sweet giggles and smiles. I did not know it was possible to love someone else's kids so much until my amazing cousin had these girls. Their momma was my first friend and we have been partners in Christ since birth, and when I see those girls it reminds me that we have grown up but that it only gets better from here. They have the best and strongest mom, and I cannot wait to see where God takes her in this life. I see her girls smiles and I just delight in getting to have them in my family. They'll be world changers. When God put them in our family and gave them to their mom, he knew what he was doing. 

Another amazing cousin came to visit, she was another one of my first friends and she is so beyond smart. She is chasing her dreams in South Carolina by the ocean where she is studying books and studying sea creatures... Living her dream one day at a time. I was so beyond thankful to have some time with her and just to know that family lives a little bit closer. She is amazing and I cannot wait to see where she goes in life. God is really doing amazing things in and through her. He knows what he's doing.

I grew closer to friends and family since being home. I have found several families that I know God specifically placed in my family's life. The kids in these families have become my spiritual siblings and the adults my friends and examples in life. I have gained friends that I never knew I needed and learned that community is needed. I have found friends I had prayed for so long to meet. I have found that God has given me and I am so thankful. I have met leaders who I learn from all the time and I am honored to serve alongside. God knows what he is doing. 

We lost our sweet dog Jersey, and also my sweet cat Makita. We cried tears and rejoiced on the life they lived. They loved us and we loved them. God knew what he was doing when he gave us animals.

Throughout this year so much has happened, so many adventures and so many problems, but in all of it I have seen the light of God in the background. I have learned more than I ever thought I could. Been pushed past the limits I had placed for myself. I have had a lot of my life changed and I see a lot more changes coming. But in all of this past year I see that God has never stepped away from the controls. 

He is constant. 

He is gracious. 

He knows what he is doing. 

I think that sums up 2015 perfectly. In every laugh and highlight on this list there was probably a couple hundred lows, but that is real life and even in those storms of tears and pain-God is still God. He knows what he is doing and I pray I continue to let him lead. 

-Lex 

Learning New Lessons About Old Topics...

I try really hard to live in the present. I really do and as someone who battles anxiety that is hard for me, but God is able and helps me with this.
Most days I am so thankful and blessed with where I am right now and where God has me. I am exactly where I need to be when I need to be. That is beautiful. That is amazing.
That is also challenging. You see. I'm a wanderer. An adventurer. I was made to travel and experience new things, fight through them, and find God's truth in it.
I love a good adventure and with that I get to blessing to leave my heart in so many places.
But there are days that I miss those pieces.
Today is one of those days.
You see I miss a place currently today that has so many people that changed my life. Missouri. Springfield, Missouri.
Evangel University is a place that challenged me, hurt me, taught me, held me close, and changed my life forever.
I learned so much there, but the majority of it was now in the classroom. It was with people that taught me that community is stronger than stress and pressure.
I had people who prayed for me, laughed with me, cried with me, and did life together.
Those people are still my people. The ones I call or text when I need prayer. The ones who I long to visit soon. The ones who lead me closer to God by leading me closer to community, no matter the distance.
To those girls, thank you. You changed my life and are still changing my life. Every text, letter, call, or FaceTime... Even your Instagram posts. You make me smile.
So today I miss, not so much the place, but the people.
I miss my sisters. My family. The ones God put in my life.
There are days that being away from them makes me worry they don't remember me or care about me anymore, then I get a text. I get a letter. I get a picture of some bows I made for the floor in colors.

Today I miss those pieces of my heart and I'm praying over them. Praying God doesn't let the story end here as we start another year of school so many hours apart. Praying God blesses them for how much they have blessed me & praying that God shows them favor and Grace as they learn new things to help them change the world. For they definitely have changed mine.

Just thought I would share a piece of my heart today. None of this is to say I do not like where I am or what I am doing, because I do. I really really do. Instead this is saying that I'm learning it is okay to think back on all God has done and see that He had a plan, so I can remember that He is faithful and He is good. I can't wait to see what He will do with this beautiful season.

-Lexie

I Saw a Hawk Today...

This may seem like a weird title for anyone who does not know me very well. Like a random title for a random post about probably nothing important. But it isn't.
You see I have this thing about hawks.
When I was maybe 13 I was having a really hard season and I remember looking up at God(obviously up at the sky...) and saying, "If you see me, I need a sign because I just do not think you are there." And shortly after I had a hawk fly by.
It was probably just a coincidence. I mean I live in the middle of acres of woods. There are many hawk nests and many many birds.
But the timing was not what got me. It was the freedom of the bird that struck me.
This bird could fly wherever it wanted, whenever it wanted. It was perfectly created by God to fly above storms and to heights that I cannot. They open their wings and soar with God.
I wanted to be like that with God. I realized God had to be real because that bird was too beautiful to not be made with care by God.
How glorious is that? Being able to soar with God all day long?
Hawks are also fierce. They are warriors in the sky that fight for what they need and do not let go until they get it.
They are brave, diving in the sky to catch things without stopping and rethinking.


So that one day I saw a hawk and really saw it. Such a beautiful creation of God. A creation that I want to have some characteristics in life. Freedom. Brave. Courageous. Trusting of how God made it to be. Fierce. Able to soar to great heights with God.
This may seem totally weird and really random and my conclusion about hawks may seem totally dumb to you, but it is a big part of me.
If you drive in the car with me, you will likely hear "Oh look its a hawk!" and instantly see my frown turned upside down.
After that day they brought me joy and make me instantly notice the beautiful creation God made. In the midst of all seasons, God creates with care.

On the best days of my life I looked and noticed hawks, on the worst days of my life when I needed to know God cares for His creation, I saw hawks. I love them and I think God knows that.
One time I was so stressed about finals week and I knew I had 8 days left of classes until the semester was over. I saw 8 hawks that day. Probably just a coincidence, but 8 being the number of days left and the number of new beginnings. I was geeking out about it for days haha.
On my drive on the way to college. On drive home for the weekend or back to campus. On my first full day in Kenya, Africa. On the day I learned how to lament to God. On days when it was just a normal day and nothing really good or bad happened. I saw hawks. I saw God's care for all He creates.

Again, it may seem weird. It may seem like a bunch of coincidences. And I think it really could be that. But the fact that I see these birds of prey and notice how God made them perfectly and they bring me joy, that isn't a coincidence. You see I think we should notice small parts of creation, because then we would see more of God's love for us.

If we noticed the sun shining, or the rain that washes away all the dust in Summer as blessings we would live a lot differently. 
If we noticed the deer running or the birds chirping, we would see how God meets their needs and meets ours so much more.
God's word says :Matthew 6:26 ESV    

"Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? "

And also says Genesis 1:26 ESV    
"Then God said, “Let us make man in our image, after our likeness. And let them have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over the livestock and over all the earth and over every creeping thing that creeps on the earth.”

You see, we are much more important to God than hawks.
I see hawks and they remind me that if God can make a bird fierce, and brave, courageous and have them trust Him fully, then what was I created for and why can I not be these things too?

God made us for so much more than going through the motions and not noticing Him daily. He made me to strive to soar with Him daily.

So when I see a hawk, that is what I am reminded of. That is why I smile.

Just wanted to share for those of you who always wondered.

-Lexie

Ninakupenda Kenya...

 

These past two weeks I had the incredible opportunity to go to Kenya with the non-profit organization Just One Africa. We brought clean water filters to provide a solution for the clean water crisis. Not only did we end up distributing around 400ish water filters(Praise God!) but we also did so much more than that. I just wanted to take some time this morning to put words to what I was feeling inside as I reflect on what God has done.

You can't tell, but my heart is broken and full at the same time and I am crying over this note so bear with me as I unload my heart to you these next few minutes. I am blessed to be where God wants me right now and continuing to walk in His calling and plan, but we have had quite the deep conversations and struggles about leaving. I am not one to show my emotions when it comes to pain, but I pray this pain and joy from all I have seen births something that glorifies God for the days to come.

 

First thing is first: packing for a trip that you've never been on before is near impossible. If I was to do it again I would pack half the stuff and bring a lot more soap. I got so used to not doing my hair that I still refuse to do more than put it in a bun this morning.  If it was good enough for the Kenyans to see me in then it's definitely good enough for the Georgians. And also when bringing over 30, 50lb boxes to Kenya, do not even doubt that God will come through in customs because He always comes through. Always.

 

Now this will be a long post and I will say Praise the Lord way more than you will want to read, but I think that phrase sums up a lot of the trip. Bwana Asifewe(Praise the Lord).

 

The first experience I had in Kenya and with Kenyans was a little boy who was with a chaplain that helped us get all the boxes from the baggage claim to the bus. He was a boy with such a great smile and he blessed me with hugs that I needed after the 24+ hours with an hour of sleep and lots of airplanes. He also gave me a yellow pages book. I still have that book and I pray it lasts forever so I can remember Elioud.

 I then got to meet our driver.  Little did I know at this time, he is the best driver in the whole world. He also protected our items in the bus like they were his own and has the sweetest heart for children and his fellow people. Alex made my morning every morning with asking "Sistah Sistah how did you sleep?" And as I would respond and ask him it was always "Thank you thank you, I slept well". He is a modern day superhero and I pray the Lord blessed him abundantly for all he did for our team.

 This seems a bit off topic, but I'm just writing as my mind unloads, but the Kenyan sky is SO BIG. It was breathtaking at all moments. The animals there could not even compare to the vastness of the sky. I felt I could see even a fraction of how big God is from that sky and I have never seen that before. I miss that Sky.

 The stars. The clouds. The mountains. All so big.

 Anyways back on topic, picking out experiences in order. Next we went to the Mayfield Guest House and we saw all sorts of missionaries and there is such a peace. What a blessing to stay there my first night in Nairobi and experience the prayers that cover that spot.

 From Nairobi we drove to Amboseli and a school called Lenkai. Lenkai Chrisitian School is run by the amazing John and Dorcas Parit. They gave me my first taste of Kenyan ceremony, community, love, faith, and worship. This school houses boarding children, local children, and rescued children. I will discuss more of them later. But for now let's finish the school part and say what I did there. We got there and instantly there were echoes of "How are you?" And "I am Fine". It seemed strange at first but it quickly became the sweetest sound to my ears. I sit here crying because I know I will not here it in the proper English in a Kenyan accent for a while. 

 

We played games like Mingo(Mingle) and got so many hugs over the next few days. We were blessed with songs and shown how we should really worship in the Spirit. We were blessed with meals and Maasai jewelry and blankets. We were told stories that shocked us and shown love that cannot be replaced ever.  We were shown nearby villages that seem to live in the past but have so much more than we could ever buy because they have love and joy and community that you cannot purchase. We learned that love has no language or color. Love is God and love is universal.

 

 In the villages we learned that children are the same everywhere. We met this one little girl that was so helpful with the filters but spoke no English at all. She was a servant and had a smile that melts any hard heart. We gave water filters and saw that lives would indeed change with them. They're water was dirty and filled with cow poop and bugs, yet they drank it. And they smiled anyways. So this is a new chance at life for so many. And God is a God of new chances so I know it will not return void.

 Back to the rescue center we loved on the girls. From the boarder girls to the rescue girls there were smiles and love. The rescue girls and boys come from world of child brides, 12 year old mothers, and a place where albinos are sold for parts in other countries because they are seen as mistakes. Esther is seen to the left, is one of the rescue girls with such a big smile.  Lillian is above on the right, she was married off and now has been rescued and can be a normal 14 year old learning crocheting and running and laughing.

What we learned is yet again that God is good. Faithful. Big. A healer. And that love comes from God and God has no boundaries for His love.

 We saw chains be broken and futures restored. We saw community. We saw love.

 The Maasai are my favorites. I want to be them. They are beautiful people with community that we do not know in America. They blessed us with meals and prayers and songs. They gave us so much chai tea(thanks for drinking mine Jules) and killed cows and goats for our meal. It was an honor to be in their villages and learn some of their language(thanks James. You saved us with that translation page).

 On a translation point, most Kenyans we met can speak and read both Kiswahili and English. Isn't that incredible?? They are so smart. Some Maasai speak Maasai plus the other two. And they think mzungu's are smart. We do not even compare.

 For times sake I will move on to the trip to Kisumu and Bondo.

 

 

We drove through the Great Rift Valley. It was so vast. So beautiful. So something God would make.

 Anyways, we arrived in Kisumu at a school/church and did a medical clinic and gave our maize. I met a woman named Mama Phoebe that was responsible for all we would do the next few days. She is an incredible woman that I was honored to meet. Every "Bless you" was so sincere. We served so many people and I got to asks questions and do paper work with families to see how their kids are doing. My translator got sick of my spelling of names and took my pen :). I met families that because of clean water and school their families were all healthy. I met families who only had two kids left. I met a mom desperately trying to stay alive with HIV as she lost her older two to Aids and her younger two were sick as well.

I saw desperation. But I saw Hope. I saw God in each person's face. He was there. He is always there.

 We then went to a slum in Kisumu. Not the biggest in Kenya but still covered in a spirit of pain, bondage, despair, and hopelessness. We went to houses and saw where they lived. Mud and sewage in their water supply. Flies buzzing around their food and them only having that to eat. Pigs and goats and chickens going to the bathroom everywhere. We walked in houses made of mud that were the size of two of my closets put together. It was a culture shock. It made me angry that people live this way when America has so much. Every homeless person can get water in America and food at places. These people had nothing. Parents lose their kids there. Men are drunk. People are sick. Darkness covers people's lives

 But God.

We prayed for people in their houses. Anointed the huts with oil. Saw Jesus break chains.

 We saw a lady who's legs were so greatly infected that they looked like they were dead. She couldn't walk, had to hit the flies away from laying eggs on them and was in so much pain. We prayed for her and brought her food and necessities. We made plans for someone to get her help.

 We saw her walking up to the altar to accept Jesus Sunday. We prayed over her. She is still healing but my God is a healer. Pamela, may the Lord heal you inside and out and bless you and keep you. May you see a miracle and tell everyone.

 After leaving the slums and the school we drove to Bondo.

 This is where my heart would come alive.

Some backstory, I came to Kenya after having a dream of a child in a field that came to me and said"who is God?" And I replied, "God is our father who loves us" and the child replied "I do not know what a father is". Some of my team members were in that dream. I had it confirmed by many people the day I woke up from the dream that it was from God by the things they just "coincidently" spoke of. I had my mom tell the Churchills we were going that day. I'm so glad God showed me that because....

 I saw the field in real life. It was at Salem Orphanage in Bondo. The field in the dream was in fact the same field I would walk on months later.

God is good.
I felt peace there like I had never had. I met amazing people and children.

 

 I met a young girl and boy who quickly became my Kenya babies. Michael(Michelle) and Bravin.

Michael was sitting all alone so I walked up to her the first night and after tickles and sweets she scooted closer and the language barrier meant nothing to God. She ended up on my lap and then on my hand or near me for the next few days. She fell asleep on me and we learned English together. She is so smart and so beautiful. She taught me how to balance my water bottle on my head.  My heart broke to leave her there knowing she could not understand that she would not see me for a year. I'm sure she was waiting for me the next few days. I'm praying this next year as she learns English in school that God blesses her. Her future is changed because of Salem.

You see I got to hear her story from Mama Phoebe. Both her parents died of HIV and she was left with a stranger to care for her. Both those parents died or left and she was found in January in the Slums and brought to Salem with two of the neighbors boys. She is an HIV child and at 6 she has seen more pain than I have ever seen or could imagine. But God, He had a plan for the pain. She now is full of smiles and giggles. She's goofy and never fails to make people laugh or smile with that beautiful smile and her gorgeous eyes.

She leads the younger boys. Bravin and Junior are so sweet and follow her. She is a leader and is being healed for God's glory. I love my girl.

 I met so many other children at Salem. I sang with them and worshipped with them. We ate lollipops together and got so many hugs and danced.

I met baby Ashley, a baby we had been praying for that was rescued from the slums last summer, after much bribery with sweets she let me hold her and then she fell asleep on me. I was in heaven holding that baby and telling her she was loved and chosen.

From Scovia to Katie, there was love everywhere. My heart was left with so many of them, it would take weeks to discuss all of the amazing people and futures that are being changed at Salem and that changed my life and heart.  Scovia is pictured below on the left.

 

 I met Lucy. My sister. My heart. She and her sister Terésa have smiles that can melt even the hardest hearts and the best personalities. They are full of love, joy, leadership, and Jesus. They put up with our small group talks about purity and instead of moving away from the subject they jumped in and were leaders of the group.

 Lucy became my buddy. She and I sang worship songs and learned new ones. You have never heard "Ever Be" by Bethel until you have heard it in Kenya with little voices singing it with all their hearts. Lucy has a heart for Worship and a heart for learning. She is the smartest and will go far.  I cannot wait to see her again and to see where God leads her. To the left are Lucy and Naomi :) Us singing is on the right.

 

 She and Scovia gave me dance lessons. I said I was bad when they tried to pull me in and she said "you'll never get better if you don't have the courage to try". That advice from the 11 year old will stay with me in all things forever.

She can dance, sing, learn and lead. All of them will change the world someday, I just know it.

Saying Goodbye to her  and the others ripped out my heart. She called me big sister in tears and she truly is my sister in my heart. I could say so much more about this special, strong girl who God took from seeing both parents murdered to now singing and dancing with joy, but my heart just can't find the words for how much I love her and how much I want to say. Katie and I left her with making a "Lucy Sandwhich", pictured on the right. I will leave it at Thank you God for putting Lucy in my life and I love you Lucy so very much. You are a world changer.

 God knew I needed to meet Michael, Bravin, Lucy, Scovia, Terésa, Mama Pheobe, and everyone else at Salem.

He knew the Kenyans would teach this Worship leader what Worship really is.
He knew that I would find a big piece of my heart that He had left there for me to find.
He knew that I would feel His Heartbeat so much stronger at that farm on Lake Victoria.

 He knew everything on this trip would happen to me. That my heart would break, mend, heal, battle, struggle and have joy. I am always amazed and He is never surprised.

 I saw maize multiplied several times from enough to feed 70 people maximum to three scoops of maize for over 150 widows.

 

I prayed over a woman with my mother  and she was delivered from demons, came up and screamed Jesus is Lord.

 I saw people healed.

 I saw people and led people to Jesus.

 I made a community for myself with a team that I did life with constantly for days. For a girl who used to be afraid of community and can be a lone wolf, the encouragement and love I found in these people is something special. They can never even begin to know how much they mean to me. It was an honor to get to know them, laugh with them, pray with them, and just do life in Kenya together.

 

(Teresa and Swift pictured right)

I struggled with God on how staying forever was not what He wanted for me even if I felt at home there, but that I would go back many many times to find my heart pieces left there over and over. It may not be my calling to live there forever but it is a home for me that I will go to, bring my future family to, and let it change my heart over and over.

 Missions is now a huge part of my heart.

 I met Jesus there. I saw Him in faces. In the sky. In the mountains and rifts. In the animals. In the wind. In the giraffes and elephants. In the children and adults. In the tribes and the cities. In the red soil.

 I felt God in Kenya. I feel Him here. God is the same in all countries. For that I am eternally thankful.

 Love has no language, color, or mold. No country.

 Love has no limits and no future is bound to your past.

 That is what I learned so far in reflection on my trip to Kenya. There is so much more I can write about, like elephant orphanages and ceremonies but I will save that for later. As I continue reflecting I will think of more things to write I'm sure.

 

 

                                     For now I will leave you with this:God is love and love is real.

 

 

                                                       Bwana Asifewe. Praise the Lord. Amen.

 

 

 

 

 

And Just Like That, New Seasons Come Quickly

As I look forward to being a Senior this next year, starting an amazing God-ordained internship at a church that is already feeling like home and I can hear God so fully at, and lots of amazing changes, I can't help but look back on where I was a few years ago. 
In the past few years I have learned so much about myself, how to live in this world, and most importantly God. 
About myself: I learned that I am capable of getting through just about anything and not dying. From severe acid reflux/GERD attacks, allergies, juries with my music major, being away from home and anyone I know, and making friends and trying new things. 
I learned not all girls are dramatic and gossipy. I learned to do life with friends who quickly became family and were there in my highest moments and my weakest. I had the best first roommate in the world who I know God put in my life for a reason. I made so many friends, girls who welcomed me into their lives so fully and who still call me and text me from hundreds of miles away to check on me and who know me so fully that it shocks me. I never thought anyone outside my family could know me so well. God was showing me to depend on Him and that He would hold me up and help me thrive. The fact that he made people to be friends and family with me that bless me so much still floors me. He is good. 

I learned it's okay to cry and to show weakness. To yell at God and to tell Him that I'm angry. To lament. But that it's so much better to rejoice and trust and sing praises. 

I learned that people do not always believe compliments but to never give false ones so eventually it breaks down borders with others. This world is hard enough without ripping each other down. Women need other women to strengthen them, affirm them, and pray over them. 
In this world He showed me that it's about thriving. I learned that every day is a gift, the highs the lows and the in between. It's up to us what we make it. I went into college with so much anxiety about what would come my way. I would not call myself a learner or academic, so I was terrified what my years would consist of. I learned to work like it depended on me, but trust God because it depends on Him. 
I learned God is all I need. 
I learned and am learning that He never takes me where He doesn't go first. He equips me and makes me brave. 

I'm no longer afraid of change, I now oddly embrace it and get excited. I'm not who I was freshman year. 

I learned to be free. 
In the hardest days of my life living in a different state than anyone I knew in Missouri or Tennessee, God became my constant. My best friend. My love. My everything. 
He got me through classes I thought I would fail surely, juries, making new friends constantly, transfers, saying goodbye to the best friends I've ever had, providing new friends, giving me new seasons and teaching me old lessons until I (hopefully) finally got it. 

I learned what it is to be a Christ follower, but also what I meant to be a student, friend, child, and just me. 

So as I go into this next year doing the last year or so of college online and working this amazing internship, as well as getting ready to go on my first missions trip to Kenya in June(never thought I would feel drawn to a place so much, God opened the way and my heart to the point it aches to be on this ground in a place I've never been like its calling me), I am reflecting on the handiwork of God. 
I never thought it would be His will for me to transfer from community college to Missouri and then to Tennessee just to call me back to Georgia to live back under my parents roof for a season, but as I look back I see His hands all over it. I would not be surprised if what I thought was my plan B and C and D were His plan A. I'll ask when I get to Heaven someday. 
I can see His handprints all over my story and I pray I allow Him to lead me further and deeper as I step into a new season and farther into my calling. 

Life is Good, y'all. 

-Lex

 

I have anxiety. I am not anxiety. There's a difference.

"Be anxious for nothin but in everything by prayer and petition with thanksgiving let your thoughts and requests be know to God and the peace that transcends all understanding will guard your heart and mind in Christ Jesus" 

This was one of the first verses my mom made me memorize fully. I didn't even know why then. She knew it before I did. I was an anxious person from the get go. 

I was shy when I was younger. I didn't start shy. I loved my Uncle and Great a grandpa. Then one day I decided older guys scared me randomly for no reason, so when they came I hid behind my parents to protect me. There was no reason for this other than my brain said it was time to hide cuz they were too much. 

I hated first and second grade. They had math. Timed math quizzes. I'm not good at math. I would panic in front of everyone and they would know I was scared. They would know I was bad at math. They would think I was stupid. 

My friends were great. But there was times that I would assume that I was just too much to handle and that I was so anxious about group settings because what if I messed up somehow? What if I wasn't perfect? How could anyone genuinely love a mess like me? They would say I looked great that day and I would just assume they were being nice because even they must know I'm not good enough?

The first time i had to sing in front of people, I broke down in my dads office and had a full panic attack rocking back in forth in a fetal position. (Seems silly now)

Anxiety and insecurity go hand in hand for me. But I've learned something over the past 21 years. I am not defined by my anxiety. I am defined by God. 

My dad, who I look nothing like but who I act just like 99% of the time and who has dealt with anxiety, told me this as I sat on the floor crying and shaking. My mom started speaking that verse over me and praying as I was shy as a child or afraid of my math test. They were right. God never gave me a spirit of fear. But of power. Power to speak the name of Jesus and power to get out of the dark pit of anxiety and stand again on the rock that is higher than I. 

Yes I still have it. Yes I have moments where this girl who doesn't cry much just breaks down because life is overwhelming and so much is being asked of me and how can I do it all perfectly. Yes sometimes my day consists of a 30 second panic attack. But unlike before. It doesn't stop me. Because I know a secret. 

Worship and prayer. 

I've learned something and if you have had any real conversation with me where I'm worried or you are then I've told you. You can't worship and worry at the same time. 

I feel my heart beat out of chest and my throat tighten. My head is spinning. The tears are coming. And I sing. Or speak the name of Jesus. Or both. And something happens every time. The thoughts of what God thinks of me flood in and the fear floods out. My heart returns to normal. I can breathe in peace and breathe out praise. I give God the terror and panic and He gives me calm, peace, serenity. 

God makes it so I can breathe. 

You see, God calls us out of fear to live in his freedom. God calls us child. He calls us to trust and let him take the lead. He calls us to be still and KNOW that he is God. 

So when tests get to be anxiety triggers, or I have so much work to do, or I have to do math.  I don't let anxiety define me. I let Jesus define me. And his definition of his children is so much more than we could ever define ourselves. 

Let him change your anxiety to peace. Be still and Know. 

-Lexie 

She who is brave...

"She who is brave is free". "You make me brave, you call me out apon the shore into the waves..." "Spirit lead me where my trust is without border" "courage dear heat"

All these quotes and lyrics have been a huge part of who I am in life. I am someone who is terrified of many things but my soul awakens in that moment that terror meets reality and a peace rushes over me. I am okay with picking up my life and moving. I am okay with wandering. I am okay with moving forward. But only if God holds my hand. 

I have learned over the past few years that God is the only constant that I need. The strongest parts of me come from Him. The things I dream of, he already has planned for me. The things I could only imagine, he gives me courage for. He makes me brave. He makes me free. 

Being brave isn't about what you do. It's not about some daring adventure that your excited to take. Bravery- by definition- is being ready to face and edure danger pain while showing courage. Courage is the ability to do something that frightens us. 

So in that sense. Isn't bravery faith?  

God calls us to deeper waters with him, but he never leaves us there. He makes us brave. He gives us peace.  

It's a refreshing peace to know that God never calls us where he isn't. He never leads us where he won't go. 

I feel God changing my course yet again and this time I am more scared then before, not because I do not trust him, but because I do not trust myself. But that isn't what this life is about in my opinion. It's not about running or staying put, it's about facing fear and anxiety head on to get to the next place that God is calling us to. Even if we are scared to death. 

If this was your last year on earth, what would you want to do with it? Would you follow your passion and follow God? Or would you stay where you are? 

If you feel you are truly where God wants you, then praise him and keep up the good work. Don't get complacent. Trust him to deeper your understanding of him and delight yourself in him. 

If you feel you aren't yet where God wants you, then what is stopping you from getting there? We serve a God who tore the veil so we don't have to stand apart anymore. Be brave. Be strong. Have courage. Trust and have faith. 

So much love and blessings, 

Lexie