Where Have I Been Lately?

Hello everyone, my name is Lexie. Some call me Alexis, mainly my Oma and Dad, most call me Lex, but no matter the name-Hello.

I have been missing lately. Not in the normal sense but I have been missing a lot of things in life.

Mainly, joy and peace.

"Why?" you might ask... Two words. Car Accident.

This is probably not where you thought I was going to go with this.

It may not seem like that big of a deal to some, but to me it completely shook me and took me to a breaking point that I had never been to before. Now I could be totally frustrated and broken about it, but I am actually thankful for it.

Why?

Because I had to finally be real with myself and God about a lot of things.

I had to learn, yet again, that God can handle all of my emotions and I do not always have to be shiny for him to love me. I had to learn that his perfect love casts out fear, especially when everything made me scared afterwards. Driving especially.
I had to learn that God can sustain me through awful headaches, an internal concussion (oddly enough its a thing), a dislocated knee/knee cap, pain all over my body constantly for the last four months, and through losing a car that had been a tangible vessel for God to bring me to places that He had called me.
I had to deal with the fact that even though the power steering went out and it was not my fault, that I caused pain to those around me both emotionally and physically (I don't even hunt, like I try not to even kill bugs outside in case they have a family...yeah I'm that person and the idea of hurting anyone still haunts me at times).
 I had to realize that God protected all seven people involved (only two cars...) , including my younger brother and sister, so that the most that happened was my few minor injuries and a few scratches on the other people involved.



I had to realize that even in the dark, God was protecting me and those around me because he was protecting his daughter, even though I felt unlovable.

Now this all may not seem like that big of a deal, but that's okay because it is my blog and I am allowed to say that it was a big deal to me. You can stop reading if you want, but I love you regardless.

I was shaken and I think that is what hurt me the most of all.

You see, I used to pride myself on being strong and being unshakeable. I used to never want to show my hurt. God forbid I cry in front of someone, or cry more than twice a year. I was to always be strong and show joy, even if I was breaking apart inside. Never let anyone see you sweat because then you will be a bad minister and people will not open up to you anymore.

I had it all wrong, and it took this speed bump (sadly it was more like a complete loss to the insurance company but moving on..) to show me that God is bigger than my need to have it together. It was okay to cry because God could comfort me better than anyone. God never expected me to have it all together. If I did, I would not need him. His calling on my life was not because I had it all together, it is because I don't and I need him constantly.

It has taken me four months and 16 days to be able to write about this, but that is because I have been working on myself a lot.

The word God gave me for this year was fearless, so I could not understand in the moment why he caused me to have a major accident and why he as to shatter my perfect driving record (for a recovering perfectionist this is still hard). I did not understand why the God that was my beloved and who I followed to the point of studying pastoral ministry and theology in college would do this to me. If I was supposed to be fearless, would that not mean that God would protect me so I would have nothing to fear?

I had it all wrong.

God never said "Your word is fearless for this year so I am not going to send anything that makes you fearful". No. He just gave me the word fearless and I would have to learn the meaning this year.
Well. I haven't fully learned it yet, but I did learn that being fearless in Christ is not the absence of trouble or turmoil, it is the courage to take another step even when you are shaking because you know that if God was there before and is there in this present moment, then he is waiting for you in the next step as well.

God has lavished his love upon me in these past four months, and some of the times I pushed Him away. Not because I did not love Him anymore or was questioning my faith, but because I felt too broken for him to love anymore. I did not want to accept it. But there he was, holding the pieces together and telling me he loved every part of me.

He blessed me with a car, one that is better than my wildest dreams and He just blessed me with it. I am a terrible receiver and I never know what to say, but He used people to bring about His love and those people have become so dear to my heart. Not because they blessed me with a car, but because I know that they are family that God intended for me to find. I cherish them and their obedience to God. I am just honored to know them.

He blessed me with the best puppy. For those who know me, they knew this was coming. Man, I love my dog. Not just because he is cute (though he is), but because especially in this season I needed something that would just love me unconditionally. Dogs are so good at that. Every morning he wakes up and looks at me like I am the best thing ever (& God forbid he can't find me, he just keeps searching and knocks down everything in his path until he find me). I kind of think that is a small taste of how God sees us.

This accident kept me close to my family and to home, it brought me back to my home church and in that I found friendships that are so deep, mentors, and community that is close by. I have since started being in a life group, being a youth leader, and  leading worship at times there. In those moments, I remember my calling from the Lord so strongly and know I am exactly where I am supposed to be (I know, I know. I am a musician by design so sorry for being cheesy. I can't help it).

I graduated college with honors (only by God's grace) with my Pastoral Ministry Degree. I get to walk in December, if I choose to, and that season ending was wonderful and bittersweet all at the same time. I started work at an amazing job where I get to apply my love of ministry and Kenya in one place. I am going to Kenya again in five short weeks. I was supposed to go in June, but I felt like God was saying not this time. Well, if I had planned to go, my accident was right before the team left. I am so thankful for missed opportunities and that it was just a "not yet" because I cannot wait to go and see my friends in Kenya. There is still nothing more beautiful than Kenya in my opinion and the people there. I am still head over heels for it.

I have been missing. But I feel like I am coming back home.

Thanks to amazing community around me, I have received more grace and love than I deserve. I have felt more free because God always knows exactly what I need when I need it. I have seen miracles happen and chains unlock. Most of the chains that I did not know were there. I am still not totally pain free, but I am alive and able to feel and after that accident I should not be. I have been protected and granted favor that I do not deserve.

Most importantly, thanks to an amazing God I have learned from this accident how to better love and serve my King. My Beloved. My Creator.

I have found my home again, and my home and stability are in Christ. In Him and in trusting Him I will not be shaken. In Him, I am fearless in the chaos and have peace in the midst of changing tides.

To some, this accident is ancient history. To me, it is a part of His story for me and I can honestly say that God's ways are higher than mine. For that, I am humbled and eternally grateful...even for a car accident.