Fearless...

Fearless. This is my word for the year which sounds so great in theory. You pray for a word that will define your year and then you follow God and try to accomplish a deeper understanding of the word and then maybe you change to grow in that thing. At least you hope you do. 

So I prayed and I was expecting something like grace or love or something that I could understand needing and was gentle in my opinion. 

But no. I got fearless.  

Jesus went right for the throat on this one. 

Fearless. Free of Fear, Full of Peace, Trusting in God. No. Matter. What. 

Dauntless. 

Pushing away fear and moving forward regardless. 

I literally asked for a redo. But no. Fearless. 

That's when it hit me. I'm a fearful person. 

Those who are around me may not realize that. I'm almost always up for a spontaneous adventure. I'll try almost any food once. I hate scary movies, but that's not a good judging point. I just think they're freaky. 

Okay back on topic, I'm not typically thought of as afraid. At least until God called me out on what has been stirring in my heart. 

Anxiety is fear. 

Panic is fear. 

Lack of trust can be fear. 

Okay so God read my mail. 

He started pointing my heart to verses that spoke on fear and I was so afraid of being convicted in this. I was afraid. Keyword. I did not want to deal with this or end up hating who I am. But a strange thing happened. 

The verses didn't make me hate myself. They made me feel empowered. Novel thought huh? ;P

I felt led to speak these verses over myself this year. 

And you know what happened? 

I felt peace for the first time in a long time. And I'm not just saying "I slept really peacefully last night" peace. I felt peace in the midst of a storm. 

I noticed how much my mind goes straight to fear. How instead of normal reactions I run straight to the worst case scenario. I found insecurity that I ignored. 

Now it's only a month into this and it's been so so hard, but God said to tell people about it too on top of letting him prune away those branches. 

I texted someone to pray over me in this area. Hardest and most humbling message I have sent in a while. I'm supposed to have it all together. But now this person knows I struggle. What would they think? 

They responded with love. With encouragement and with covering me in prayer. 

A little bit of that fear of not being accepted for my faults died with that response. With that act of obedience. 

I told my best friends from college when I was visiting Missouri. I was supposed to be a put together future pastor, surely they would look at me different for struggling to trust God. 

Much to my surprise, my honesty opened up a conversation about what they struggle with. We prayed together. We had another reason to lean on each other and grow in community. We strengthened each other. 

Fearless. 

I'm only a month in. But with God, especially in this season of transition and change I am going into, I will learn to be strong and courageous even when life is hard. I will grow into who God is shaping me to be. I know next year there will be another word, but for now I am focusing on this one really hard word. I'll keep y'all updated. 

I share this to encourage you to pray for your word. To step out in faith and strive for the best version of yourself for this year and this season you are in.  It will be hard, even a month in I have broken down more than I normally do in a year, but what if the breakthrough that is on its way now and the freedom is exactly what God will use later? What if this is what has to happen for God to bring about exactly what He desires for me?

I think it's well worth it. God is always worth it. 

So. Today I strive to learn to be fearless. Even if I'm shaking because God is steady enough for us all.