This is my story....

Hey anyone, 

In my voice class I had to write a paper on the song "Blessed Assurance". I came across the line, "This is my story, this is my song. Praising my savior, all the day long..." I absolutely love that line, and today during chapel at my school they sang the song again.  As they were singing I was just calling out to God and praising Him and I started to think about my story. I've been thinking about where I came from, what God has brought me out of, and how great He is.

I was a normal Christian child, I grew up in a Christian home with God-fearing parents. I was in every church production. Christmas plays were my area of expertise. I was everything from a sheep to a piece of candy to a lead role.  I went to VBS and then volunteered when I aged out. I accepted Jesus on Easter morning when I was 6 and then several more times, just to be sure I got to go to heaven if God came back today.  I was a nursery volunteer, church fundraiser helper, and I did motions during children's church. I was at church every time the doors were open. I obeyed the commandments and tried really hard to honor my parents.  I loved Jesus, after all He saved me and if the Bible said He loved me than I believed it.

There was only one problem.

I got older and life got harder, so I started feeling empty.

In sixth grade I went from being homeschooled to being in public school. I made some friends that were not good for me. They left me empty and gave me an attitude. The seeds of self doubt, depression, and pain started to take root. This was normal for me. I would smile at church, and act happy at school, but be completely empty of emotion. I would raise my hands at church on Sunday morning, and then cry myself to sleep at the thought of going to school the next morning.  I felt convicted and I felt trapped. I was wrapped in chains before I knew it, I was stuck.

As middle school continued into seventh and eighth grade my family started dealing with some things. My brother kinda fell off course for a bit at school, my mom was always crying because her heart was broken as she dealt with this all, my dad started changing his parenting styles and him and I were always yelling at each other. I felt trapped and empty and I had no safe place. I just wanted life to be like how it used to be.  More Chains.

Looking back now, I realize we were all just dealing with growth in our own ways, but at the time it made my emptiness grow deeper. The roots of those bad spirits grew deeper. The chains squeezed tighter. The wall between me and God thicker.

We did not have a church with a youth group for me, and I honestly didn't want to go because I just left feeling like a liar. I knew my bible and I knew how to play church, but I also used to be happy and I wasn't so it all felt like a lie. I was a mixture of the spirit of depression and an awkward stage. I was a mess. Why would Jesus still love me? I didn't love myself. I didn’t want to eat because they said I would get fat. I didn’t want to have my own opinion because it would be different than the groups. The leader of a child who loved church was turned into a follower being led off a cliff.

I remember coming home to my mom and saying to the effect of "If you make me go back to that school one more day, I will kill myself."  I had sunken into depression that overtook my dreams and plans, I had no purpose or love. This spirit tried to take away my future. I made my mom cry and I scared my parents. I scared myself. I couldn’t make myself do it. The nightmares continued and my pain stayed, but something kept pulling me back. Maybe it was seeing my mother so scared. Maybe it was something stronger.  

Then we moved to a new church.  This church was different because of two people, Scott and Kelly Carver. The first day I was there Pastor Scott came and spoke to me like I was a normal person, not a little kid, and he was genuinely interested in what I had to say.  I was really shy, and he respected that. His wife came over and complimented my hair, not because she had to but really seemed genuine. They will never know how much I needed that or how much their simple acts of friendship and love changed my story.  Little did I know that these two people would become my favorite people besides my parents and that God would use them to help give me a purpose and a plan for my life, but also help heal my family.

Fast forward to me being in their youth group for a bit, my life started to change. I became happy. I started fine arts. I was signed up and encouraged by my mom and Kelly, and even though I wanted to back out and had the worst panic attack ever, I sang that Wednesday night in youth and then that Friday at Districts.  I was so scared, I had only ever sung in church productions before.  But I obeyed God and trusted Him, and I did it.  That one thing is where I say the start of my new story was.  I rededicated my life to God.  I found out that I love to sing and worship. I joined the church worship team for the youth group, and with Kelly’s help and encouragement I eventually started leading. I felt God’s presence so strongly. I was blessed with pastor’s who were sensitive to the spirit, and trained their students to be that way.  I had a home and a safe place in God’s presence. I could just breathe as I sang to him. I could relax for the first time. No more pressure from chains around my life, just freedom in Christ. I was loved and in love with a Savior who died just for me. He had plans for me and had put people who love me in my life.  I remember the constant feeling that He must be a good God if he can forgive me and love me for who I am.

One Wednesday after an altar call, I ran up to my mom’s stars class and told her I was called into the ministry to be a worship leader. I told her the Holy Spirit told me that and I don’t know why he would choose a little girl with anxiety to do it but I was going to do it because He said so. I was so scared she would say there was no financial stability and that I couldn't do it, instead she said she knew that. She knew I was set apart for life ministry and that she has been praying for me to discover that for a long time. 

In the years to come I would fight a lot more battles, but I knew who my God was. I knew that he set me apart. I knew that he turned my tears and pain into joy that can’t be broken, even in the midst of trials.  I got to speak into lives of younger girls, who now I am blessed to call sisters. I got to lead at other church’s and I got to see the Holy Spirit move so much in worship that we didn't even have a message some nights. I saw what God could do, and I saw that He could break chains. He healed my family. He turned a suicidal and depressed middle schooler into a worship leader. He is mighty and works in our weakness. I am a testament to that.

Fast forward again to now.  I am currently studying Church Leadership and Worship leadership at my University.  In the years between my first call to ministry and now, I have been called to not only lead worship but to be ordained so I can work in whatever aspect of the church they may need. I am called to speak life and encouragement to teenagers and women, to be a friend and to show them that they need Jesus above all else. Nothing else will fill the longing in their hearts. I am called to reach out to orphans and slaves, not sure how yet but I am only twenty so there is time to figure it out. I am called to lead worship and to make art. I won the National Merit Award at Fine arts for my art project, God is good and I love that I can use my gifts for him since He is the one who gave them to me.  I am called to do whatever it is wherever God places me.  I am so excited for life.

 I am not qualified, but God is. I am inadequate; But God is able to immeasurably more than we ask of seek.  I am called to be a light to this world, so here I am telling my story.  This is not an easy story to tell for me, and I know it is not as bad as some others. But it is mine. I believe that everyone has a story, and that it should be shared. You don’t need to have a big amazing crazy radical transformation for God to use you, He can use anyone.  He used David, he used Ruth, he used Esther, and he changed Saul to Paul.  He is a good God.

This life is, so far, the hardest thing I have done. But God is faithful, and He will be again.  He’s always been faithful to me.

Luke 12:6-7; Matthew 10-29-31

Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies?

Yet not one of them is forgotten by God.

Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future.”

Jeremiah 29:11

“This is my story, this is my song. Praising my Savior, all the day long…”